As a man who lived a straight life for some 50 years the mere thought that I might be gay was quite unsettling. I had invested everything in my life. I had given myself freely and completely in so many ways. Marriage, children, church, friends, family, coworkers, classmates and the list goes on. The prospect of losing any or all of that by announcing that I might be gay was earth shattering. I was confused and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The prospect of realizing I am gay gave me an intimate appreciation for those who see life with no good alternatives. I understand now how people contemplate suicide even though I know it is absolutely the worst possible answer to any problem. Have I painted a graphic enough picture? Let's revisit that later though.
Many of us 'invest' in things. Perhaps we don't really see it in these same terms as the stock market but we invest in life. We do as I did, we open our hearts to family and friends. We lay bare our soul to our spouse and share our most intimate of feelings, thoughts and actions. We work arduously for organizations that we deem are doing good works and we are zealous in our support of our church that is the face of all we believe and trust in.
The portrait of Jesus this week is painted with his good friends, his family and his own heavenly Father. He lives with these people, undoubtedly laughs and drinks with these people. I would love to have heard one of our Lord's campfire jokes. He lived, rested and trusted . It seems Jesus had invested well. But Jesus like many of us would be betrayed. We may never know the level of betrayal Jesus faced and not just by Judas. That's the obvious one. How about the denial by his number one guy, his most trusted, Peter? How about the people who cheered him on Palm Sunday as he entered Jerusalem only to be found screaming "Crucify Him!" just a few days later. His own people in every way. As a human on the cross I am sure his betrayal seemed that it would make his heart explode. We may have trouble imagining that someone would willingly be nailed to a cross and die for us. That seems a bit unreal. Movies have tried to capture the gruesomeness of it. The reality still seems far removed. Betrayal we know.
In living fully, we get an extremely intimate taste of life and betrayal. The things and people we have invested in turning around to bite us squarely on the ass. How difficult it is when you have taken care of yourself your entire life and wind up a pawn in a game of cancer. Your own body betrays you. Life betrays you. Friends betray you, spouses can betray you. You can work diligently for the church and find that they have been guilty of heinous sins and have even tried to cover it up. That too is heart aching betrayal. Betrayal runs deep all around us. Can we imagine now how Jesus was feeling?
The thing about betrayal though is it leads in two directions. One, where your heart almost literally does explode. You give up. If you physically die ( like you might with cancer ) you can also die emotionally. Betrayal can take you on that course. But in the betrayal, in the laying your soul and heart bare, another course is possible. For Jesus it was to rise in glory. For us too, we can rise in glory and the ways in which we do so are as mysterious as the betrayal that comes out of no where.
Lets' go back to me for a moment. So at 50 I came our as gay. Coming out opened me up to anyone who wished to simply say adios! or to condemn me and say I was going to hell. Fortunately, gracefully, thankfully, most of my family have embraced me. Still there are some who will have nothing to do with me. I am still the same person too. For the betrayal of those who cannot see that I am the same loving faithful person of service there are others that have picked me up. In my betrayal I have found people that are truly loving faithful people that are not posers. I am not sour. I have chosen the path of faith and love.
What betrayals have you experienced in life? Can you feel what Jesus must have felt? Can you see that betrayal is not the end but an opportunity to love and grow?
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