Mark 4:35-41
Last evening our dinner companions were relaying a story of a man from their neighborhood who had committed suicide. He had been distraught over marital problems. In the end he exploded his garage with gas, taking out several nearby homes, the garage and himself. He left a very young baby and a grieving wife. What kind of solution is this? What possible problem could be so great?
Last evening our dinner companions were relaying a story of a man from their neighborhood who had committed suicide. He had been distraught over marital problems. In the end he exploded his garage with gas, taking out several nearby homes, the garage and himself. He left a very young baby and a grieving wife. What kind of solution is this? What possible problem could be so great?
It wasn't so long ago that I was an active Deacon in the Roman Catholic Church. I had a wife and two children and I began to exhibit disturbing signs of dis-ease. My thoughts were jumbled and coming into my consciousness were some very disturbing thoughts. Things that I had for years brushed aside and dismissed with one excuse after another came to haunt me in a way I had never experienced before. I started to become afraid at what it meant. I started therapy and became even more scared when it became apparent what the truth was. I am gay. Now, looking back, the signs were all so obvious. It is a testament on how we can lie to ourselves, the power of trying to be 'a good little (Catholic) boy and seeking a relationship with God for the purposes with the correct intention but also to settle the savage beast within that I never could quite put my finger on. I became even more scared. I was trapped. Every course of action seemed like it was a bad choice. My brain was splitting and each side had its pros and cons. Where would the battle end? Suicide? where no one wins and everyone loses? It had entered into my consciousness. I was swamped and felt like I would drown.
The grace of saying yes to God for so much and for so long gave me the crucial answers for myself. Everything I learned, all the notations of 'Jesus loves you, this I know', the Scripture study and the guidance and professionalism of a therapist (also sent by God) and the graces of Ordination all helped me to calm the storm. I simply had to be faithful, honest and loving and the storm would die down. In fact, the storm would disappear.
One of the pet expressions I have is "panic is not your friend". When things go wrong as they so often do in one way or another, it is not good to jump to conclusions, act quickly or panic. Sometimes we are impatient. I suppose it can be argued that I am even more patient than Saint Monica. I knew I was different, that something left me 'less than whole' for almost 50 years. What saved me was the love of God. Jesus walked side by side with me, arm around my shoulder. I did not walk my journey alone. I firmly believe that God sent all the truly wonderful people into my life that helped me navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of coming out. From my husband, then simply friend, to my therapist and a whole array of people who supported me emotionally and were patient as I sought what was wrong and what to do.
In the end I mustered the strength to make a decision on my own and walked forward in pride, in faith (in myself and more importantly in God), in love and in honesty. This is what calmed the storm.
Suicide is never the answer. Giving up is never the answer.
One of the pet expressions I have is "panic is not your friend". When things go wrong as they so often do in one way or another, it is not good to jump to conclusions, act quickly or panic. Sometimes we are impatient. I suppose it can be argued that I am even more patient than Saint Monica. I knew I was different, that something left me 'less than whole' for almost 50 years. What saved me was the love of God. Jesus walked side by side with me, arm around my shoulder. I did not walk my journey alone. I firmly believe that God sent all the truly wonderful people into my life that helped me navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of coming out. From my husband, then simply friend, to my therapist and a whole array of people who supported me emotionally and were patient as I sought what was wrong and what to do.
In the end I mustered the strength to make a decision on my own and walked forward in pride, in faith (in myself and more importantly in God), in love and in honesty. This is what calmed the storm.
Suicide is never the answer. Giving up is never the answer.
On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, ‘Let us go across to the other side.’ And leaving the crowd behind, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. Other boats were with him. A great gale arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke him up and said to him, ‘Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?’ He woke up and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, ‘Peace! Be still!’ Then the wind ceased, and there was a dead calm. He said to them, ‘Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?’ And they were filled with great awe and said to one another, ‘Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?’
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