God's scale

Matthew 7:7-12

           Perhaps this is apologetics or hubris but I think I may have one up on Saint Monica. Monica prayed for her son, St. Augustine, for 17 years to be converted to Christianity and by many accounts to repent from his life of - well, shall we say sexual exploits.  While I did not have such a son to pray for I did pay for myself for my entire life up to the age of 50. While it was not dissolute living that I needed repentance from, indeed, I did not need to repent at all, I did pray for an answer for the nagging at my soul, the unidentified uneasiness within my soul.

         It seemed almost funny that last night in 'the final push' in spin class, our leader told us to close our eyes and asked the question "what's at the top?" I've been in this situation and this class before. Most of the time I envision the bike ride up Cadillac mountain which seemed almost vertical. My husband and I both made it and we were rewarded with spectacular views all around not to mention the sense of accomplishment. Last night however something else laid waiting 'at the top' for me. It was the struggle and the subsequent freedom I felt when I came out at the age of 50.  How long had I prayed for the gnawing at my soul to be answered. In retrospect it seems obvious but it was not so for my entire life up until that point. I prayed for peace and sought God in every way I could hoping and praying for my unknown answer.  So Monica prayed for 17 years and I prayed for the unspoken known for almost 50.  I wonder how long my subconscious knew and the internal subterfuge and mental gymnastics I played to deny even to myself what my 'problem' was.

          Still, I think I came to my personal epiphany at just the right time in my life. I was prepared mentally and emotionally ( by God ) and when I did come out to myself it turned out there was a knight in shining armor waiting for me as I know I am for him.

          Sometime we pray for things and we want an immediate response and we want the answer that we have in mind, not necessarily what God has in mind or what it is we really need (as opposed to what we may want). We can be impatient and think we know it all. It isn't so, we are horribly ignorant and boastful at the same time. Not a good combination.

            Ask and it will be given to you because God loves you that much!  If your prayers do not seem to be answered , keep the faith and realize the answer to your prayers may not be what you expected. If anyone told me at 16, 26 or even 46 that I would be happily married to a man at age 57 I would have thought them crazy and a liar. Yet being gay is the answer to all my prayers. Being gay is who I am and a blessing on the grandest of scales - God's scale.

‘Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone? Or if the child asks for a fish, will give a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

‘In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.