The art of love by listening

     As a married person, I have made many interesting discoveries. One is that we sometimes tend to try and please our spouses in ways that we ourselves would like to be pleased. There are some inherent problems with this of course. Mostly, it requires very little listening, so this type of pleasing could easily lead to the law of diminishing returns.  We all like to be listened to and within couples it is crucial for a strong, lasting relationship.

     Today's passage though leads us perhaps a bit astray then by saying 'love your neighbor as yourself'. I happen to love ice cream. Even on this tiny island we are blessed with several fine ice creameries. I have to ask myself, did they follow me here?  How much love is there for my neighbor if I offer them ice cream that they do not like? Worse, what if they are lactose intolerant or diabetic? Not much love there then really.

       I am not a tremendous gift giver on birthdays. In fact, if it weren't for my husband, I'd likely forget them all.  What my family has learned though is that I will be out somewhere, see something or other that I know is appropriate for a person, something perhaps that will tickle their fancy, something that will truly make them smile. A very thoughtful gift, and I will buy it and give it to them at whatever moment we are in.  That pleases more than a thoughtless and often useless gift.  It shows I was listening to their life and who they are.

      No, the key to loving others is to listen to others like we like to be listened to. No one likes to be ignored, it's as if you don't even count. Rather than love on our own terms, perhaps listening ( and watching ) what other people need is the best way to love. In that way then you may be able to love that person rather more intimately, more akin to their needs and wants. It simply requires that we love at the very least, by listening.

     

Matthew 22:34-40

When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. ‘Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?’He said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: “You shall love your neighbour as yourself.” On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.’

Is that all there is?

      From time to time the word work seems like a four letter work punctuated by the letter K!  It seems hardly one day ends and you are waking for the next assault of activity all geared towards a paycheck that probably will not meet all the demands and desires before you. It seems like a rather dreary existence. You are reminded of that song by Peggy Lee, Is that all there is?  It's no wonder then in that kind of spiritual void where we ache for human feedback, love and companionship, we seek the Friday night gathering hole, the cocktail hours and weekend parties. 

       But that is not "all there is" for any of us. If you lay your life as a working automaton out on the table, there are several real and practical problems.  First of all we are not automatons but human beings. We are not meant to work only to find a weekend release of love. That kind of existence almost denies our very nature. We are meant to live and love 24/7/365. We must learn to live as we work. Pay attention, be more than a robot yearning for a paycheck. If we gain salvation it is not at the end of week but all during the week.

        Of course there are other issues on the table too.  When we work like automatons, we begin to perform duties for things. There will never be enough money for all the things we think we need, want or things we are convinced will bring us happiness.  If we live for the material, the flesh, we will never be happy. It denies our basic existence as loving, caring beings.

         I once had a very wise supervisor. She noted that the more hectic it got at work, the slower you should go.  That might seem like a typical state worker response. However, for one thing, in our line of work mistakes were often irrevocable and often had deadly consequences.  On that level, going slower was the wisest of decisions. There is another layer to that advice though. We must not work so fast as deny the ability to be present to what we are doing and who we are doing it for. Again, we are not automatons. As humans we are called to love and serve and that means we must always be able to be present to the other. That is a coworker, spouse, patient and even haters. We must learn to slow down enough not to miss the world as it whizzes by. 

     Hard as we might try, we cannot recapture a week of lost love on a Friday night with commiserating friends and coworkers. If we live the lonely existence of mindless living, when the time comes, that will be in fact, 'all there is'.  We are meant for so much more.

Romans 8:12-17

So then, brothers and sisters, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh— for if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a spirit of adoption. When we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’ it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ—if, in fact, we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him.

Arrogant bastards

      Clearly there is yet another reference to the judgment day and that there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. As someone who has been close to meeting my maker on several occasions, I am not arrogant or quite stupid enough to think that it might not be me. As humans we have this stupefying ability to make ourselves the center of attention and think we are right about everything. We justify everything, we want everything and anyone be damned if they disagree with us. I am not sure I am quite that bad but I know I am far from perfect.

      But speaking of the righteous, deluded and self indulgent, the passage today speaks of those invited to 'the banquet' and speaks of those that have been invited by default lets say. It speaks of an interesting dynamic.  Here you have a group of people who are actually invited and lay waste to the opportunity and privilege.  Those that would hardly seem eligible for such an honor are welcomed in.

      I often wonder about people who count on their invitation and will find themselves wailing and gnashing their teeth when they find they have actually been disinvited by their very own actions ( or inactions ).  I imagine too, some serious huffing and puffing as the ones deemed unfit march past those arrogant bastards right through the pearly gates. That of course is a human construct that justice will prevail even in heaven. 

      No matter what, this passage should give us pause to think about our invitation to life, as beloved children of God and the banquet of love spread out for us. What is our response? Too busy? gotta go to work? need to rest? or the ever famous one about going to worship services, "I don't have to go to church to be holy". We all can come up with a good reason to not attend, not participate, not "do" what we are called and invited to do. 

           Whatever we decide, know that the ones we look down on, the 'errant' ones and the sinners, they are invited too. 

Matthew 22:1-14

Once more Jesus spoke to them in parables, saying: ‘The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a wedding banquet for his son. He sent his slaves to call those who had been invited to the wedding banquet, but they would not come. Again he sent other slaves, saying, “Tell those who have been invited: Look, I have prepared my dinner, my oxen and my fat calves have been slaughtered, and everything is ready; come to the wedding banquet.” But they made light of it and went away, one to his farm, another to his business, while the rest seized his slaves, maltreated them, and killed them. The king was enraged. He sent his troops, destroyed those murderers, and burned their city. Then he said to his slaves, “The wedding is ready, but those invited were not worthy. Go therefore into the main streets, and invite everyone you find to the wedding banquet.” Those slaves went out into the streets and gathered all whom they found, both good and bad; so the wedding hall was filled with guests.

‘But when the king came in to see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing a wedding robe, and he said to him, “Friend, how did you get in here without a wedding robe?” And he was speechless.Then the king said to the attendants, “Bind him hand and foot, and throw him into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” For many are called, but few are chosen.’

Good tenants

       Somewhere in my life I came to decision, a philosophy actually, that it was a sin to not support and nurture one's talents. I recall having this idea when my children were born Perhaps I took to heart the television commercials of the NAACP that "a mind is a terrible thing to waste". 

       When I married almost 40 years ago we were poor. We cashed in soda cans for the nickels and made a large batch of chili for dinners that week. We ate at our parents and relied on checks from Grandma, a gift for forwarding her mail to her in Florida. Yes, poor.  When my wife noted a class in EKG reading the cost seemed astronomical. But if she had the desire and more importantly the talent, I thought it would be a sin not to nurture that gift.  She attended that class and many others subsequently.  She learned more, studied more and has saved many, many lives along the way with her acquired expertise and caring nature. It would be a sin not to.

       What do we do with what we are graced with, what we have entrusted with care for. Not just our own talents and treasures of course but of those people entrusted to us - our children and perhaps many others as well.  Do we simply use and discard? Do we waste and abuse the gifts God has graced us with?

         It is no surprise to read today's passage and reaffirm what we are called to do with our love, our lives, our person and our treasure. As faithful people especially we are called to a rather high standard of love that urges us, nay, requires us to reach out. We can blow off our abuses to ourselves and rationalize away almost anything but we will be presented with the bill in the end. Even if that 'bill' is being presented with a litany of what we have squandered, the damage we have caused or the vision of what could have been. We will be made aware. Of this I am certain.

     While I do not necessarily believe in a tally minded, vindictive vision of God, I do believe we will get whatever it is we have been asking for in life. Our actions will be the judge, not God. If we go to hell, if there is a hell, we will be sending ourselves there. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth (ours?) and the sobs and tears from our Creator. 

      We are called to be good tennts

Matthew 21:33-41

‘Listen to another parable. There was a landowner who planted a vineyard, put a fence around it, dug a wine press in it, and built a watch-tower. Then he leased it to tenants and went to another country. When the harvest time had come, he sent his slaves to the tenants to collect his produce. But the tenants seized his slaves and beat one, killed another, and stoned another. Again he sent other slaves, more than the first; and they treated them in the same way. Finally he sent his son to them, saying, “They will respect my son.” But when the tenants saw the son, they said to themselves, “This is the heir; come, let us kill him and get his inheritance.” So they seized him, threw him out of the vineyard, and killed him. Now when the owner of the vineyard comes, what will he do to those tenants?’ They said to him, ‘He will put those wretches to a miserable death, and lease the vineyard to other tenants who will give him the produce at the harvest time.’

Teaching authority

      Just for informational purposes, there was no listing for this date in Holy women, holy men. I take that to mean I am free to honour a holy person  that I have been graced with in my life. Today I remember Anna C. Schuster, teacher and invalid. Anna was a convert to Roman Catholicism but not long afterwards she fell and broke her hip. In her day this amounted to a sentence of severe physical restrictions and bedrest for the remainder of her life. That was many years ago that Anna, my neighbor had a profound effect on my life. It is ironic that I recently was the recipient of a new hip and that it actually gave me a new lease on life.  Anna however was faced with those severe restrictions, we have come a long way. Anna accepted her fate lovingly and faithfully and lived as best she could. She witnessed to those she could, journaled and prayed. She is an inspiration to me. She taught me a great deal about life and faith.

       By what authority did she dare to 'teach' me?  I like to think that I in turn am able to witness and 'teach' with my life and my blogging. I am gay, a husband, a parent, a professional and I strive always to be the best person I can be for myself and God. How dare I attempt to teach! By what authority?  A basic tenet of Christianity is that they will know we are Christians by our love. Basically, judge us if you must but do so by what we do, not by what we say.

      As a Roman Catholic cleric, I had 'license' to preach, baptize, officiate weddings etc. The church made it quite clear that I had this privilege under their license, so to speak. When I asked for a leave of absence ( as I sought counsel and therapy in dealing with the realization that I am gay ), the church placed a restriction on my privileges. Later, when they laicized me, a letter arrived strictly admonishing me that I was not permitted to participate in a whole range of activities both clerical and educational. I won't argue by whose authority they think that they can do such things. I will note note that a whole range of authority was apparently removed from me. It almost seems to be like a statement that I can no longer live my faithful life. If our actions speak louder than words and we actually teach by our lives, then I would seemingly have been doomed. But, by whose authority?

       Fortunately, like the example of our Saviour, many do not honour the man made rules of who has authority and who does not. Other churches and dare I say, God herself honours our lives of lived faith. That is teaching authority and power! Each of us has the authority and responsibilty to live teaching lives of faith. No authority required except our faith. 

      Do not underestimate the power of your faith filled, lived life, witnessing to God's love.

Matthew 21:23-27

When he entered the temple, the chief priests and the elders of the people came to him as he was teaching, and said, ‘By what authority are you doing these things, and who gave you this authority?’ Jesus said to them, ‘I will also ask you one question; if you tell me the answer, then I will also tell you by what authority I do these things. Did the baptism of John come from heaven, or was it of human origin?’ And they argued with one another, ‘If we say, “From heaven”, he will say to us, “Why then did you not believe him?” But if we say, “Of human origin”, we are afraid of the crowd; for all regard John as a prophet.’ So they answered Jesus, ‘We do not know.’ And he said to them, ‘Neither will I tell you by what authority I am doing these things.

He got the Gospel message

       As is my habit, along with the daily readings of ’the Hours’, I read a bit about the daily holy person from Holy women, holy men as part of the Episcopal tradition. Below is an excerpt from there on Walter Rauschenbusch (October 4, 1861 - July 25, 1918) eschewing the scripture passage for today.

In Rauschenbusch's early adulthood, mainline Protestant churches were largely allied with the social and political establishment, in effect supporting the domination by robber barons, income disparity, and the use of child labor. Most church leaders did not see a connection between these issues and their ministries, so did nothing to address the suffering. But Rauschenbusch saw it as his duty as a minister and student of Christ to act with love by trying to improve social conditions.

       One of the many enjoyable episodes of Golden Girls focused on Blanch dating a man in a wheelchair.  She flirts with this man in her local Library while they are both seated and quickly extracts the promise of a date only to realize his handicap as he excuses himself and instead of rising to leave, he simply rolls away. Blanches challenge focuses on her acceptance of the man as we are called to do in spite of our own preconditioned ideas and notions. One of the interesting twists is when Blanche later finds out the man is married and is basically a sleazeball. One of her preconceived notions was that a man in a wheelchair is somehow by his nature a good person.  Not so.

          One of our preconceived notions is that when someone says they are Christian that they follow the Gospel message and that they base their decisions on the love of Christ, the love God has for each and every one of us. Ahhhh, not so!  So many of today's political ills are based in a bastardized, self centered and errant execution of Gospel principles.

        I wish I could say that this is a recent development. Sadly, Religions have, for centuries been more bent on power and their own self interested translations than in the love of the Gospel. Denying the souls of indigenous peoples, inquisitions, crusades and the like. Apparently Walter Rauschenbusch also found errant practises in religions as well. Today we find the bastardization of the Gospel message in support of horrible policies and politicians that, ironically, these religions railed against only months before. What can be done?

        We need to foster in ourselves and in our children and in our lives, a renewal of Spirit.  Not a re-commitment to organized religion as a self righteous tool, but as a means to our wholeness and the love and respect of everyone. That is key. We need to remember the sins of our past. Perhaps more importantly, we  also need see the heroes of the Gospel like Walter Rauschenbusch.  We need to call on his spirit and that is one of the joys and reasons for having Holy women, holy men as a tradition and tool of trying to be a good Christian. 

       Thank you brother Walter. Perhaps we can look into our lives to try and recognize the holy women and holy men who affected us and shown us how to be the best person we can be and in so doing also be the best followers of the Gospel.

The cure

     I noted the other day that the prevailing opinion in Jesus' time was that someone like this woman "whom satan bound for eighteen years"  was being punished for a sin of hers or perhaps of her parents. Tough crowd.  I wondered what it would be like to be such an outcast (according to her community) for eighteen long years. Could I endure that?  That was about the length of time it is purported that St. Monica prayed to God for her son, St. Augustin, to turn to God.

      I then started to think of how it had taken me almost 50 years to come to the realization that I am gay. I always felt 'different' and just couldn't put my finger on it so to speak. I tried to do what good little Catholic boys are supposed to do.  So, almost 50 years of feeling like a bit of an outcast. Of course coming out in itself can make you feel like a different kind of outcast. That is terribly sad. I realized the 'cure' was to accept to God made me to be. I pray that everyone has the sense of their own worth and that God loves them as God made them, gay, straight, whatever. God does not hate or dislike anything that she has made.

      Then I started to think about things that are viewed irroniously as a handicap or less than desirable by society becasue of ignorance or bigotry. At one time that would have been if you were left handed. It certainly is how the Church felt about indiginous peoples at one time or if you were African American or a woman! What does one do when you cannot be 'cured' of your "illness"? What happens when you are a minority and the majority looks down upon you or that their majority is viewed as right and blessed; the minority, errant and sinful? I guess there is still a tough crowd around. 

       In thinking of all these scenarios ( and more ), I cannot help but think that they can still all be 'cured' by God.  Screw everyone else that is doing the judging, the looking down upon and thinking they are better for some reason. God makes whole anyone at anytime. A large portion of that, if not the entire portion is helping us realize we are actually perfect to begin with, we have only to realize and accept ourselves. 

       Accept our cure, our wholeness.

Luke 13:10-17

Now he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the sabbath. And just then there appeared a woman with a spirit that had crippled her for eighteen years. She was bent over and was quite unable to stand up straight. When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said, ‘Woman, you are set free from your ailment.’ When he laid his hands on her, immediately she stood up straight and began praising God. But the leader of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had cured on the sabbath, kept saying to the crowd, ‘There are six days on which work ought to be done; come on those days and be cured, and not on the sabbath day.’ But the Lord answered him and said, ‘You hypocrites! Does not each of you on the sabbath untie his ox or his donkey from the manger, and lead it away to give it water? And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham whom Satan bound for eighteen long years, be set free from this bondage on the sabbath day?’ When he said this, all his opponents were put to shame; and the entire crowd was rejoicing at all the wonderful things that he was doing.