The story of my life, my own song.

Song 3:1-4

           You know I did not realize I was gay until I was about 50 years old. In those fifty years, I married and had two children, wonderful children. It was not a bad marriage though it was not the best either. From the time of my youth I had been searching. I was ill at ease inside.  My soul longed for .....something. It must be God, right? So I searched. I tried to draw closer to God my entire life, I still do. The journey ain't over till it's over, eh? I believed the emptiness or that 'something' that was missing was God. I searched, studied and prayed.  In the ensuing years that I searched, I had a good life. Fun times, love, sadness. Basically everyone's life I would hope except that I still had that feeling something was wrong. It could be masked and there were times it subsided but it was there gnawing at me. I searched.

           When I began to get an inkling that I was gay, I had reached a point past ordination and the kids were adults.  The inkling was very unsettling as if I was saying "it couldn't be", not me? After therapy and still, much prayer and time alone, I was able to come out. Even in this writing I am glossing over some of the trauma, the difficult decisions and emotional turmoil.  None the less, I found the strength  by the grace of God, to come out in an honest and forthright way. Many were not happy with me and still are not happy. I had two aces up my sleeve in a manner of speaking. One was that a grace of searching and trusting in God as I had done my whole life, I knew without a doubt that God loved me no matter what. If I was gay (and I certainly am), God made me that way and God loved me that way more than I could possibly imagine.  The second ace was that I knew in my heart that I was the most honest and decent I could be in coming out. Did I make mistakes? Perhaps. There is no perfect script for announcing you are gay to anyone, you don't plan for it your whole life, like let's say your wedding. I did the best I could and did it honestly. That saved me and gave me strength.

           Then there was my husband. At the time he was merely a friend. As time passed however, I knew that he was the one that I searched for. When I lay in bed at night when I had feelings of emptiness or was feeling like I was not whole, it was he whom I prayed to God for. All my life I prayed for wholeness and him. God graced me with him and we are now two wonderful loving  husbands. We are newlyweds and exude joy and happiness and we are ever so cognizant of the graces we have been given in each other.

       I prayed longer than Saint Monica for something I did not know I was praying for. Peace? Love? Faith? all of the above? They were all answered by God in knowing who I am and in my husband. The story of my life, a song of love that has not ended. A song orchestrated by God that we will sing out for the rest of our lives.      

Upon my bed at night
   I sought him whom my soul loves;
I sought him, but found him not;
   I called him, but he gave no answer.
‘I will rise now and go about the city,
   in the streets and in the squares;
I will seek him whom my soul loves.’
   I sought him, but found him not.
The sentinels found me,
   as they went about in the city.
‘Have you seen him whom my soul loves?’
Scarcely had I passed them,
   when I found him whom my soul loves.
I held him, and would not let him go
   until I brought him into my mother’s house,
   and into the chamber of her that conceived me.

Along for the ride? Hop aboard

Hebrews 2:10-18

          Back in the day, my father used to take us boys travelling in what had to be one of the very first conversion vans,  circa 1963. We went all over and it probably gave me my thirst for traveling. One of the things I recall about those times were the hitch hikers. Hippies, men in uniform with duffel bags and all sorts of people. My Dad picked up many hitchhikers that were going our way. All seemed to be welcome on our journey.

          Today's passage speaks about brothers and sisters, accepting the message ( of salvation )  no matter who you are. Jesus spoke to a Jewish audience for the most part ( naturally ) but the disciples spoke to a broader audience, not only Gentiles but people of varied nationality and philosophy. In fact one of the reasons scripture interpretation is so challenging is not only because of language differences but the way in which the Greeks viewed things and actually thought. It was different culture, a different world view, a different history and of course a different language. Translation is always a challenge. But the message went out to a vast array of peoples. One only need google the routes the Apostles travelled and transpose it over a world map of today. Very interesting. Somehow, people with ears to listen, heard the truth and the love that was being conveyed. Christianity spread like wildfire.

           Today in the church we recall Frederick Douglas, a vibrant and eloquent speaker known as "the sage of Anacostia" and "the lion of Anacostia". One might assume that because Mr. Douglas was a black man and a slave, he spoke to that audience. You'd be quite wrong. He spoke eloquently about equality and freedom for everyone. Perhaps a dividend of him being an ordained minister along with his many other titles and accomplishments. Mr. Douglas said "I would unite with anybody to do right and with nobody to do wrong." He stood with a wide variety of people as we are all children of God, all brothers and sisters, all open to the message of salvation and all asked to respond to the love of our creator.  The message is open to all. 

          During Black history month perhaps it is good to recall that the message of love, faith and freedom was not always open to African Americans just as it was not always open to women. Perhaps anyone reading this for a glimpse of support as a gay man or woman would also know what it is like to be considered anathema, not worthy or not equal. We are of course worthy, just not always treated so. Villainized, marginalized and segregated in a more modern way but segregated none the less. Perhaps not as much any more but certainly so in other parts of the world where we are still in fear for our lives.

        If the passages of today say anything they speak of universal brotherhood and that the message of God's love is open and equal for all. No one, not anyone should be dismissed or diminished because God invites us one and all. If you have ears to hear, hear this.

It was fitting that God, for whom and through whom all things exist, in bringing many children to glory, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through sufferings. For the one who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one Father. For this reason Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters, saying,
‘I will proclaim your name to my brothers and sisters,
   in the midst of the congregation I will praise you.’
And again,
‘I will put my trust in him.’
And again,
‘Here am I and the children whom God has given me.’

Since, therefore, the children share flesh and blood, he himself likewise shared the same things, so that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by the fear of death. For it is clear that he did not come to help angels, but the descendants of Abraham. Therefore he had to become like his brothers and sisters in every respect, so that he might be a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make a sacrifice of atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself was tested by what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested. 

How narrow is narrow? How wide is wide?

John 10:1-2

            I considerably shortened the passage for today because I was particularly struck by just these 2 lines.  When I was growing up no one that I knew had a fence with a gate. We lived in suburbia but the only people that had the kind of fence that required a gate were generally people I didn't know and did not want to know.  It meant 'leave me alone' or 'warning, dangerous dog who will attack you' if you come through the gate. These gates were invariably narrow and this is why I always saw this line of scripture the way I did. The gate to salvation was very narrow. It was the church's way or no way (to salvation and heaven). 

         It wasn't until many years later as an adult (when I had already been sufficiently indoctrinated) that I heard a quite different interpretation at a Benedictine Priory. One of the monks gave a moving reflection on the idea that gate may in fact be very wide and all embracing. This would be in direct contrast to everything I had always heard and to my visions of the narrow gates of my youth.

         Even as an adult ally of the LGBTQ ( I hadn't yet connected all the dots about myself ) I had studied the Catechism and knew being gay was supposed to be ok but there were rules that had to obeyed to be  "one" with the church. Gays were called to celibacy and any expression of gay love was a mortal sin which by definition was a grave sin risking your eternal soul. These rules were in contrast to the rules for heterosexuals who were also called to chastity but in thire case was incredibly overlooked. Also overlooked were the countless gay priests and those who were not chaste by virtueof their abuse of young children.  IN the latter, 'overloooked' is overly geneerous. The church 'harbored' and tacitly approved is more like it. 

        But ahhh, what I have learned. I now believe the gate is wide and as embracing as God's love. The gate is wide to reflect the wide diversity of God's creation and love. No longer do I believe the stricture that the church of my youth foisted as truth. Heresy of heresies, the Roman Catholic church is wrong. Wait, wait, wait for it......hmm, no bolt of lightening here. 

        God's gate embraces everyone, and if Jesus' life is any indication, even sinners and outcasts and those marginalized by those in 'authority' will be not only embraced but saved. Not unlike the prodigal son or is that prodigal father?.  

        One way or another, the message got through, the gate is wide, all are welcome and you my friend are loved more than you can ever imagine. Yes you!

‘Very truly, I tell you, anyone who does not enter the sheepfold by the gate but climbs in by another way is a thief and a bandit. The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep.

Convenient beliefs, challenging facts

Mark 8:14-21

           A study was released this week. It turns out one in four Americans (U.S) think that the sun revolves around the earth. I'm not sure that's a testament to  stupidity or an indictment of our education system but the study results were in the news. It's amazing isn't it?  How could anyone really think that in this day and age?

        There are a great many things we are mistaken about in life. The question that is raised is what do we do when we are challenged? Do we stubbornly adhere to the old and untrue or do we embrace the best meaning of challenge which is to take a good look at something in a new light and learn from it. 

        Today two thoughts come to mind and both have to do with have ears and not hearing.  One is related to the fact that we remember Martin Luther today. Did you know he was a Roman Catholic Priest?   I think that's a little known fact.  I also doubt that he is actual one responsible for the reformation although one could argue that he lit the fuse and then it took on a life of it's own.  Martin Luther's intention was to challenge the church. There were real problems and legitimate complaints and he was raising them with his 95 theses nailed to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg.  His intent was not to break away from the church but to challenge the church to look at itself and change. True to form, the church 'excommunicated' Luther and went on it own merry arrogant way.

          Another thought that escapes countless Christians that hate Jews is that Jesus was Jewish. Not only a Jew but a good Jew. By Jesus' own admission he came to save the lost sheep of Israel. Jesus did not come to begin a new religion and when Jesus died, he died  Jewish. How does Christ being Jewish escape so many people? It is astounding.  If anything, Jesus was challenging the power elite of Judaism to return to the roots of the faith. Those roots are not laws, either the 10 commandments or the myriad other religious laws the Rabbi's had concocted.  Jesus synthesized it down to two great commandments all about love but Jesus was, again, Jewish.

     Martin Luther being a Roman Catholic Priest and Jesus being Jewish is something some people don't know and don't want to hear. Often people who challenge the powerful do not go down in history the way they should even if the facilitate change and move humanity and faith forward.  To those that have ears though, the truth is not heresy but enlightenment. 

        You can take any paradigm you wish and there are those that challenge the status quo to make us more enlightened, to move us forward in one way or another. 

        After Stonewall and to today, the gay community stepped out f the darkness and claimed their God given heritage and their dignity. Today more than ever we, the gay community, challenge the notion that marriage was and always was a "one man, one woman" design. History, the bible and nature show us differently. For those that have ears this truth is enlightening and filled with the love of God. It still challenges the church in myriad ways as much as Martin Luther did. It seems the church once again has trouble listening. Actually, the message of the Spirit.

         If you have ears and a brain, use them for what God intended and challenge yourself every day and in every way. Whether it is new ideas, time at spin class or a puzzle or unfamiliar and challenging truths. Challenge yourself.       

                   

Now the disciples had forgotten to bring any bread; and they had only one loaf with them in the boat. And he cautioned them, saying, ‘Watch out—beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and the yeast of Herod.’ They said to one another, ‘It is because we have no bread.’ And becoming aware of it, Jesus said to them, ‘Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not perceive or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes, and fail to see? Do you have ears, and fail to hear? And do you not remember? When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you collect?’ They said to him, ‘Twelve.’ ‘And the seven for the four thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you collect?’ And they said to him, ‘Seven.’ Then he said to them, ‘Do you not yet understand?’ 

The eye of the needle

Mark 10:23-31

       There is the story of the man who obeyed all the commandments which I wrote about just last week. The man was shocked that he was being asked to give away everything he owned.  This passage is quite similar. Wealth seems to bring a sense of complacency, that everything is fine.

       When I went to the Dominican Republic for the first time, I was shocked. The lives of the people in the mountains near the Haitian border is far below anything we would perceive as poverty. Little if no running water, extremely unreliable electrical supply and most homes had none. The homes themselves were little more than 4 walls, openings for 'windows' (no glass) and dirt floors. If you were lucky enough to live in Hondo Valle there was a transmitting station and a food cooperative. People grew coffee beans and dried them on their front porches (cement slabs) next to the passing dirt road. There was no complacency here. Life was tenuous. But, and there is always a but, life was good, the people were happy and deeply faithful. This is what I had come to witness. It is astounding.

         I recall when my children were young, I probably had no right to even have children with what I was making for a living, money was scarce. Food and life was hand to mouth. I always collected discarded soda cans to redeem for additional money. A big pot of chili was cheap and lasted a week. Lucky enough to have a job with insurance, co-pays threw the budget into a tailspin.

         Now money is not as scarce. In my life  I have run the roller coaster of poverty, good money, high debt and recovery. It has taken me almost a whole life to 'get' this passage. I still am not sure if I will be able to enter the kingdom of heaven  but I believe I will. I certainly try. I am certainly not complacent about the money that I have earned. By the grace of God I have good health and good love, good family and friends.

            What was that last part? Good love, good family, good friends. These are the things that make life a joy and by which we earn ( if we can 'earn' ) our way into heaven. If we  focus on these, especially that part about love, and be much less interested in the physical wealth, we have a great head start.

            I often speak of honest self assessment and hard decisions. It's taken me almost a lifetime to learn as much (or as little) as I do. What thoughts and decisions will you be able to make? How do you assess your own life, your own love? How rich are you?

Then Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, ‘How hard it will be for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!’ And the disciples were perplexed at these words. But Jesus said to them again, ‘Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.’ They were greatly astounded and said to one another, ‘Then who can be saved?’ Jesus looked at them and said, ‘For mortals it is impossible, but not for God; for God all things are possible.’

Peter began to say to him, ‘Look, we have left everything and followed you.’ Jesus said, ‘Truly I tell you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields, for my sake and for the sake of the good news, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this age—houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields, with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first.’ 

Hunky Jesus, gay sex.

          As the snow is coming down (yet again ), I am sitting inside writing in front of a roaring fire with my most wonderful husband laying on the couch next to me.  It is quite a visual for me and my mind tends to wander towards the more worldly, fleshy part of our existence if you know what I mean. It certainly doesn't help when you have just read an article in the New York Times about the men who have portrayed Jesus in films. Invariably hunky, sometimes blue eyed, oddly arianesque, ripped abs, almost always the antithesis of what a Jewish man would have looked like. He certainly would not look like the 6 foot 3 inch Diogo Morgado who will portray Jesus in an upcoming film who inspired the hashtag #hotjesus. All this while I am trying to write a spiritual reflection about today's readings. 

           Several things come to mind and again they are all worldly. Aren't these readings though about being worldly? The fact is on one hand how can we not be worldly. The physical is how we relate to this world. We may be called to a higher plane but we are human after all. It is in our humanity that we will (hopefully and prayerfully) achieve our wholeness and holiness.  What I am thinking is that no matter what, our spirituality and holiness are bound tightly to our relationship to our material world. Saint Vincent would say, ' be part of the world but not of the world'.

           For a spiritual gay man to see his hunky husband (not a hunky Jesus) sitting next to him it dawns on me that our sexuality is a considerably basic way in which we perceive and experience this physical world and how we perceive the spiritual world and the next plane of our existence. We are tightly bound to the physical. In being so I revel in God's creation of the man who is my husband. I celebrate and elevate him in every way and see the face of God in him and in his love, every aspect of love. Far from a lustful sex maniac or someone who delights in mere material pleasure, I see God's hand in every physical thing I see. From flowers and fish, pussycats and pastureland, and of course my hunky husband. It all calls me to the divine because it all comes from him and will all return to him.

        In today's second reading we are asked again about the material world and our transcendence into the divine. We so often justify ourselves, our lives and our opinions by the material world. This reading recognizes our relationship to the material and calls us beyond, to a higher plane, to the divine.

      We cannot simply justify ourselves and live simply in the material world with no other concerns. That kind of existence is where words like hedonism and misogyny come from. As believers, we know our calling is beyond the material. We should not be concerned with more, more, more of anything as a goal to itself. However, the material things around us can help us see the face of God better, not in a $10,000 Gucci bag or a $2000 Mercedes 'burnout' suitcase, but in a hug, a smile and yes even in incredible sex with your spouse. 

         The actions and love we express in any way elevate us to a higher plane, helps us to see the face of God and gives us a vision of the wholeness and holiness we are all meant to achieve as  an integral part of God's creation. 

1 Corinthians 3:1-9  ( and Matthew 5:21-37 )

And so, brothers and sisters, I could not speak to you as spiritual people, but rather as people of the flesh, as infants in Christ.

I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for solid food. Even now you are still not ready,

for you are still of the flesh. For as long as there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not of the flesh, and behaving according to human inclinations?

For when one says, "I belong to Paul," and another, "I belong to Apollos," are you not merely human?

What then is Apollos? What is Paul? Servants through whom you came to believe, as the Lord assigned to each.

I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth.

So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth.

The one who plants and the one who waters have a common purpose, and each will receive wages according to the labor of each.

For we are God's servants, working together; you are God's field, God's building.

Matthew 5:21-37

"You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, 'You shall not murder'; and 'whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.'

But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, 'You fool,' you will be liable to the hell of fire.

So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you,

leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.

Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison.

Truly I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to go into hell.

"It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.'

But I say to you that anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

"Again, you have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, 'You shall not swear falsely, but carry out the vows you have made to the Lord.'

But I say to you, Do not swear at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God,

or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King.

And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black.

Let your word be 'Yes, Yes' or 'No, No'; anything more than this comes from the evil one.

Wingnuts and wings of LGBTQ faith

Isaiah 52:7-10

          The Koch brothers will spend untold millions, if not billions, to promote their own agenda. Right wing religious nutjobs will make every attempt to make their beliefs the law of the land and ensure the rights of countless people who do not agree are negated and taken away. This is the energy, money and beliefs of far too many today.

           Pope Francis has taken the world by storm. While he satisfies neither left nor right (in Catholicism) he speaks basic truths and holiness that touches millions.  Simplicity, love, not beholden to ancient traditions at the expense of human love, he has a warmth that one can imagine Jesus Christ had as he walked among the crowds and preached.

               This week I will attend a monthly meeting on gay spirituality, Queer Eye for Contemporary Christianity. The discussion will be on the diversity of LGBTQ spirituality in contemporary Christianity.  As a group in society who have survived, or barely survived on the fringes and in the shadows and who have heard the message that God hates us, it is a grand opportunity to explore the opposite. The LGBTQ community is not only loved , but abundantly loved and specifically loved by God.  The love we seek and share is pure and often unfettered by some of the stigma and rules that have cursed many other believers. Rules and rubrics, self doubt and an air of guilt are part and portion of many a Christian experience. Love and sex especially has a stigma and is steeped in sin if you are straight. If you are gay, you can freely enjoy the joys of sex and loving that God created within us. Sexuality is an integral part of our being.  Integrating our sexuality and spirituality is a call back to the simplicity of God's message. The integration is properly more a putting back together of what should never have been separated.

              In our sexual freedom and in our discovery of how much we are truly loved by God, we have the distinct joy of starting anew. We can take the message of Christian love at it's basics and move forward to become holier and and more whole and complete people. We can focus less on being more successful in the worlds eyes and focus on the queer eye, an eye of love, spirituality and the extreme joy of being happy in our own skin just as God made us. From there will come peace, healing, restoration of the pure message of Christ. Our lives will be stories of a people truly blessed. I know mine is.

                      

How beautiful upon the mountains
   are the feet of the messenger who announces peace,
who brings good news,
   who announces salvation,
   who says to Zion, ‘Your God reigns.’
Listen! Your sentinels lift up their voices,
   together they sing for joy;
for in plain sight they see
   the return of the Lord to Zion. 

Break forth together into singing,
   you ruins of Jerusalem;
for the Lord has comforted his people,
   he has redeemed Jerusalem.
The Lord has bared his holy arm
   before the eyes of all the nations;
and all the ends of the earth shall see
   the salvation of our God.