The story of my life, my own song.

Song 3:1-4

           You know I did not realize I was gay until I was about 50 years old. In those fifty years, I married and had two children, wonderful children. It was not a bad marriage though it was not the best either. From the time of my youth I had been searching. I was ill at ease inside.  My soul longed for .....something. It must be God, right? So I searched. I tried to draw closer to God my entire life, I still do. The journey ain't over till it's over, eh? I believed the emptiness or that 'something' that was missing was God. I searched, studied and prayed.  In the ensuing years that I searched, I had a good life. Fun times, love, sadness. Basically everyone's life I would hope except that I still had that feeling something was wrong. It could be masked and there were times it subsided but it was there gnawing at me. I searched.

           When I began to get an inkling that I was gay, I had reached a point past ordination and the kids were adults.  The inkling was very unsettling as if I was saying "it couldn't be", not me? After therapy and still, much prayer and time alone, I was able to come out. Even in this writing I am glossing over some of the trauma, the difficult decisions and emotional turmoil.  None the less, I found the strength  by the grace of God, to come out in an honest and forthright way. Many were not happy with me and still are not happy. I had two aces up my sleeve in a manner of speaking. One was that a grace of searching and trusting in God as I had done my whole life, I knew without a doubt that God loved me no matter what. If I was gay (and I certainly am), God made me that way and God loved me that way more than I could possibly imagine.  The second ace was that I knew in my heart that I was the most honest and decent I could be in coming out. Did I make mistakes? Perhaps. There is no perfect script for announcing you are gay to anyone, you don't plan for it your whole life, like let's say your wedding. I did the best I could and did it honestly. That saved me and gave me strength.

           Then there was my husband. At the time he was merely a friend. As time passed however, I knew that he was the one that I searched for. When I lay in bed at night when I had feelings of emptiness or was feeling like I was not whole, it was he whom I prayed to God for. All my life I prayed for wholeness and him. God graced me with him and we are now two wonderful loving  husbands. We are newlyweds and exude joy and happiness and we are ever so cognizant of the graces we have been given in each other.

       I prayed longer than Saint Monica for something I did not know I was praying for. Peace? Love? Faith? all of the above? They were all answered by God in knowing who I am and in my husband. The story of my life, a song of love that has not ended. A song orchestrated by God that we will sing out for the rest of our lives.      

Upon my bed at night
   I sought him whom my soul loves;
I sought him, but found him not;
   I called him, but he gave no answer.
‘I will rise now and go about the city,
   in the streets and in the squares;
I will seek him whom my soul loves.’
   I sought him, but found him not.
The sentinels found me,
   as they went about in the city.
‘Have you seen him whom my soul loves?’
Scarcely had I passed them,
   when I found him whom my soul loves.
I held him, and would not let him go
   until I brought him into my mother’s house,
   and into the chamber of her that conceived me.