Let's have a round of applause for all the rules obeyers out there. Yes! Not the ones who cheat on their taxes, lie with every utterance, cut through gas stations to avoid a red light or bribe people to get their kid into a better college. The list is endless. Keep in mind though that a real good rules obeyer in today's Scripture passage would have had stoned Mary to death for her pregnancy. One of the things that I have learned in life though is that your eternal reward is not based solely on things you should or should not have done. You probably won't get extra credit at the pearly gates for confessing that you never cheated on your spouse and lived up to the vows you were supposed to keep anyway. The problem with the rules and our scrupulosity for them, is that we often see the world then in black or white, no shades of gray. Even so, when we do see shades of gray, it is usually noted to say that our transgression from the law is not as bad as someone else's. It is a mine field where hypocrisy and self righteousness abound.
I am pretty sure that Jesus was not hung up so much on all the rules. His idea of clarifying rules ( The Ten Commandments for example ), was to speak of the the two Great commandments and that put the Ten in a whole new light. Not so easy then when "Thou shall not kill" starts speaking of not killing a person's spirit or reputation. Jesus was known to break Sabbath rules all the time, helped enemy combatants ( a Roman Centurion ), coming to the defense of a woman caught in the act of adultery and rendered himself ritually unclean by consorting with or allowing himself to be touched by lepers and menstruating women which was taboo. The chronic rules person might argue then that everything is gray and that just cannot be. There must be standards on which we are judged ( and by which we can judge others ). Of course that is true to an extent but Jesus clearly was one to push the envelope and was often found to be chastising his favorite group, the Pharisees for having rules that made their followers 'twice as fit for hell as they are themselves.'
Where does that leave us? Let me make a confession here for all to see. While I was faithful for almost the entirety of my marriage, I began to stray when I started to seriously doubt my sexuality. It was almost a drive it seemed to answer a question that ached in every fiber of my being, in my soul. It is no wonder that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown; one side of me ( the rules obeyer ) rubbing up horribly with the guy trying to come to terms with his sexuality, long hidden, long repressed and strictly forbidden as a Roman Catholic Religious married man. This is the time I realized how difficult thoughts of suicide are when each decision, each way out, seems to be fraught with negative consequences. Now that I have that out in the open, let me clarify further. In my attempts to 'find myself' I had indeed advertised on Craigslist. The ad would go on to spell out my feelings and always included the note: "healthy spirituality preferred." As it turns out in retrospect, there are many people who try to be faithful to God and have been taught to think that they can not be gay and loved by God. They may believe that to express their sexuality is a mortal sin. Nothing could be further from the truth. God wishes us to be whole and holy as God created us. Moving on, you'll note that I have essentially confessed to adultery. But to clarify further, lest your imaginations go wild or you rely on stereotypes of the gay community, I was not out in alley's looking for hookups. I was not in bars ( and never have been ) looking for Mr. right now. I am repulsed at the thought of mindless sex or orgies that disrespect the very sexuality I embrace as graced to me by God. That "healthy spirituality" was my saving grace as well as prayer, counseling and numerous people who God graced my life with.
So there you have it, the rules obeyer that broke one of the big ones. In my mind I could probably say I didn't fully break the rules, bent it a bit, maybe tarnished but not a clear break. I am in that realm of grayness where love is always the final arbiter. I was trying to seek wholeness in those two great commandments about loving myself while respecting and loving my neighbor.
In my heart and soul I know that I am forgiven for trying to desperately come to terms with who I am as I was created while not turning from the God that I know loves me with reckless abandon. In essence, where was my heart in all this? Was it a turning from God? It's one of those questions you ask especially in the gray zones but maybe also in the black and white. How many of us feel righteous over obeying the law that is amoral from the get go. Is caging humans seeking sanctuary lawful but actually horrifically sinful in the eyes of God? The lines are sometimes blurred and for a rules obeyer it is dangerous ground.
If you think I am proposing an answer here, you'd be wrong. It is once more my call for a full Examen of conscience. It is a call to stop judging others and minimizing our own sins compared to the 'other'. This is a recognition and call to look deep inside ourselves and be silent enough to hear the words and loving call of our Creator.
For the rule breakers, rule minders and for gray areas in our hearts and soul, I pray.
Matthew 1:18-25
Now the birth of Jesus the Messiah took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been engaged to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. Her husband Joseph, being a righteous man and unwilling to expose her to public disgrace, planned to dismiss her quietly. But just when he had resolved to do this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.’ All this took place to fulfil what had been spoken by the Lord through the prophet:
‘Look, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
and they shall name him Emmanuel’,
which means, ‘God is with us.’ When Joseph awoke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him; he took her as his wife, but had no marital relations with her until she had borne a son; and he named him Jesus.
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