Praying the gay away?

     I didn't come out until I was 50 years old.  You might think how horrible it is to live a closeted life for fifty years but in fact it wasn't so. I knew I was different all of my life. I made every effort to live the 'normal life' I was raised to believe was correct.  The fact was, I was so busy trying to be the best 'normal person' that I might never have even realized I was gay. Coming out is no simple task. You do not wake up one morning, yawn, stretch and say "oh my, I'm gay!" This is especially true if you have so much invested in not coming to terms with your sexuality.  I am grateful and excited for the times in which we live that allows the freedom for people to discern at an early age their true identity and not have to feel embarrassed or have some need to hide who the are. Bravo! It was not as easy with my generation.

      Why am I sharing this somewhat intimate detail of my life? Well for one thing, it isn't all that intimate. Truly I could write a book about my life and my journey to wholeness, spiritually and sexually.  The reason I am sharing is because it wasn't something on my radar ( or gaydar ) to pray for.  I think we are accustomed to praying for exactly what we want. We see things the way we want and our answers  ( our prayers ) to God are for the things as we want them answered. When our prayers are not answered the way we want it causes a kind of internal upheaval. We can get mad a God. We can make the assessment that perhaps we were not good enough to get what we are asking for. Our prayers are not centered in help me, guide me, mold me, give me an answer of discovery and truth.

       I've heard someone say "who would ask to be gay?"  Who would make a decision to be part of a distinct minority even in a somewhat more enlightened world?  How many people have tried to pray the gay away? It is ludicrous idea and frankly wrong. It is an arrogant request born of an arrogant position of correctness. To deny ones essence is against God's plan of love and of a diverse creation. If you are gay, it is wrong not to embrace it in every way. 

        Yet we still pray for what we want. We want the answers that we ourselves would mete out. We are rather arrogant, cocky beings at times. The holy ones, those that are happy and true inside, those that can be true conduits of God's transforming love all have one thing in common. That is the ability to be molded. The ability to pray withing preconceived notions of what the answer is. Perhaps even pray in thanks with no requests at all and get astounding and magnificent responses.

       I prayed for wholeness and closeness to God with admittedly some pre-conceived ideas about what the answers should be. In spiritual training I learned to listen to answers to questions not even asked. I learned to listen to the movement of the Spirit.  This is what made the first crack in my shell to a rebirth, a hint that I was gay. When that revelation was in conflict with the material existence of my life, there was great turmoil. There was therapy, There was prayer. I listened and didn't like the answers. I prayed some more, worked more and listened more. When I realized who I was, I finally agreed to embrace myself in full.

        I sometimes think, I never, ever would have imagined my life now when I was younger. All I could recognize then is that I was different. I tried to hide in the comfort of the masses, literally and figuratively. Neither one is a good hiding place for who you truly are. Neither is a good closet.

        I pray always to be open and malleable to God's loving hands. To allow myself to be molded into the person I was created to be. I shutter to think how warped and angry and unfulfilled I would be if I had not listened to God. I am listening still. 

        Listening for answers to questions unasked. Listening without supplying the answers I concoct myself. My notes for today on prayer and being gay.

Luke 11:9-13

‘So I say to you, Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for a fish, will give a snake instead of a fish? Or if the child asks for an egg, will give a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!’