There is an obvious message in today's Scripture passage from Matthew. In light of what is happening to families and children on the American border, this reading is telling if not chilling. I am not going to try and beat anyone over the head with it because I presume my previous blog entries may have already done that and I suspect many of us are already taking appropriate actions to alleviate this obscene occurrence.
That being said, I thought I might share some of my experience with millstones. I have been aware of several in my own life. I am quite certain there are more to be discovered, untied and conquered if you will.
Growing up I was, well pretty much everything a boy could be in the best sense and the worst sense. I was graced with some incredibly wonderful influences in my life and I think I turned out, so far, not too shabby. A decent human, centered on God and trying to be the best person I was created to be. However, I always felt different from everyone else. It was if I was hearing a different drummer, a different beat than everyone else. I wasn't aware there was anyone else like me for sure. I felt a bit alienated and the only thing I really knew (instinctively) was that there were others in society who also were outcasts if you will. The fringes that got picked on, abused, made fun of. On some subconscious level I realized my brotherhood and stood up for many of these marginalized people. First it was standing up for my neighbor with cerebral palsy, then standing up for my friend who is Haitian and who was being harassed. As if my own difference was the added weight of a millstone, I subconsciously grew into that millstone in the form of added weight. I was a big boy. Chubby doesn't really say it even though I was told I was "pleasingly plump". ( Insert coughing Bullshite sound here ). One of the things that was a millstone for me was my ability to acknowledge both sexes. In some kind of internal mechanism I told myself how blessed I was that I could lavishly appreciate both sexes. I could see the exquisite beauty of a woman and know at the same time the delicious feast in the form of a good looking man.
This millstone of sexuality was wrapped around my neck for years. It was only until I was about fifty years old that I came to the realization that while I had eyes to see both sexes, it was just a self protecting mechanism I'd developed to protect myself from admitting to society that it was really those delicious , good looking men I was really attracted to.
Untying that millstone and removing it from my neck, acknowledging that I am gay was an incredibly freeing moment in my life. I wonder what the look on my face was the first time I uttered that phrase. My therapist must have seen intense joy, peace, and seen me floating before him.
There are so many other millstones that we may have around our necks. They stand in the way of our self realization and actualization. Some are smaller, some are larger and many are placed around our necks by ourselves. Sometimes unknowingly placed there perhaps, but millstones none the less. Some placed by society that we have to struggle fiercely to break free of.
Money is another. Everything seems to revolve around money. Madison avenue will have you believe they know what you need to achieve happiness. That can be a millstone of epic proportions. It certainly can ruin your life and stand in the way or obscure what true happiness is. For many of us, it is not until later in life when we see loved ones pass or see horrific events that we come to know what true happiness is and it has little to do with money at all.
As much as I cannot help but think of the horrific situation of children on the US Mexican border, I am also thinking about the millstones around my neck and ones that you may have to deal with. Finding what holds us back is a lifelong task but one worth thinking about and praying over. There are fewer worse feelings than the feeling of drowning in life, literally or figuratively.
Matthew 18:1-9
At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, ‘Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’ He called a child, whom he put among them, and said, ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.
‘If any of you put a stumbling-block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of stumbling-blocks! Occasions for stumbling are bound to come, but woe to the one by whom the stumbling-block comes!
‘If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life maimed or lame than to have two hands or two feet and to be thrown into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to stumble, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and to be thrown into the hell of fire.
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