Matthew 26:36-39
Jesus knew full well what was going to happen. I'm not sure if he knew his whole life, if it was gradually revealed, or whether he was just coming to realize the roller coaster he was on and what was the inevitable end. He was going to die and it was not going to be pretty. It was ugly and excruciating. As a human, he knew pain, if only from stubbing his toe or hitting himself accidentally at the wood shop, he knew pain. He knew this was going to be something far beyond that. Jesus also knew why he become man. While he experienced the joys of love and friendship and the grief of losing a friend, he also knew he came to redeem us, to save us and to open up heaven and eternal life for us. Here he is in the garden seeing both what he might want as our God but feeling the real pain of deciding does he really need to go through this? This is going to hurt. But I love them he must be saying, I love mankind something awful.
It almost seems like we can comprehend the humanity of Jesus, we know to some degree how he feels. We too feel pain, joy, sorrow, love, anger. But are we asked to make such a decision as he made? Some of us have given the supreme sacrifice for others but more often than not we are not called to such an extreme. Perhaps we'd give up the last piece of cake for our kids or work 2 (or 3) jobs so our family could live a better life or go to college. That still is the minor league compared to Jesus.
There is another way in which we share in some sense the decision that Jesus made. As a gay man or woman we have to decide to come out, to acknowledge whom God made us to be or to hide who we are. Again, not in the same league as Jesus but quite profound with far reaching consequences, many of which are painful and cause our own agonies.
When I was in therapy and could finally say the words to myself', "I am gay", I had a choice to make. Perhaps subconsciously I knew because I was tormented at the thought of being gay and the resulting choices I'd have to make seemed enormous. A lose / lose if you will. Do I make the decision that honors who I am and in so doing honors God who created me this way? I could live a bifurcated life, living on the DL. I did not want to make this decision. It took a good deal of courage, self respect and most of all honesty to come out. Life would not be the same in any way save for breathing.
The decision that I made and the decision that Jesus made has everything to do with love and respect for who we are and our love of our Father. Some decisions are easier, some decision have greater risk attached. In Jesus's case the results were known, torture, pain and death. It seems to me that any so called difficult decisions on our part that we have to make pales in comparison to what Jesus did for us. It certainly was a driving force for me as a faithful person coming out. I knew that Jesus died for me and was at my side - always.
As we walk the journey with Jesus this week, perhaps we can think of what exactly he did for us, every joyful minute of his life, every sad moment of his life, every excruciating moment of his life as he was nailed to the cross and breathed his last breath and forgiving us for what WE did to him to boot.
Any decision we make pales. What a gift he gave us and still gives us every singly moment of our lives.
Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane; and he said to his disciples, ‘Sit here while I go over there and pray.’ He took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and agitated. Then he said to them, ‘I am deeply grieved, even to death; remain here, and stay awake with me.’ And going a little farther, he threw himself on the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not what I want but what you want.’
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