Patience

Psalm 40:1-11

          I certainly can't be proud in any way. If anything, perhaps more than a bit embarrassed. Looking back, the signs were all there. I prayed. I tried my best and knew something was wrong. That's not to say life was bad.  But I knew something was wrong. I was patient only by virtue of the fact that I didn't know any better. 

         So there I was at the age of 50 emerging from a closet I did not know I was in. Age 50. Speaking of patience? Wow.  But once I made that connection and said it out loud to myself, I was on solid ground. No more miry bog, I was upon a rock. 

         So I wonder about patience. I don't think it is my strong suit. Perhaps, had I known I was gay I would have been so impatient I would have burst. I shudder to think what I would have done. As it was, a married man, father and prince of the church realizing I was gay left me with the feeling that no matter what decision I came to it would be bad. I understood why people contemplate suicide. Perhaps my ignorance of who I really was was indeed a blessing. 

         But again, about patience. I can't help but think of how many other people, especially young people who know they are gay and want so badly to  make sense of their lives, to live out and proud, to be loved and live life is not always that easy. People are not always that nice. Perhaps that's an understatement.  Sometimes young people have to be patient and it is so difficult when there is such turmoil and hatred around them. There are so many excellent programs and websites and people who are willing to help and so that is hopeful and a sign of God's love alive in the world. But patience. It is so difficult at at times. 

         I thank God for all that I have been graced with, the patient God has had with me, the graces and gifts he has entrusted to me. All I can pray is that we all try to do our part to help those who are difficulty being patient. It does get better, i know, I swear. 

     Let us all do the best we can to help and ray for patience and trust.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the desolate pit, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.

Happy are those who make the LORD their trust, who do not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after false gods.

You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you. Were I to proclaim and tell of them, they would be more than can be counted.

Sacrifice and offering you do not desire, but you have given me an open ear. Burnt offering and sin offering you have not required.

Then I said, "Here I am; in the scroll of the book it is written of me.

I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

I have told the glad news of deliverance in the great congregation; see, I have not restrained my lips, as you know, O LORD.

I have not hidden your saving help within my heart, I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation.

Do not, O LORD, withhold your mercy from me; let your steadfast love and your faithfulness keep me safe forever.