Matthew 23:1-12
Long before I suspected that I might be gay, that is, for about the first 50 years of my life, my life was centered around the Catholic church. Of course my family was my main concern but everything in my life focused on my faith. I am not really sure if I sought out God because of how incomplete I felt. I am not sure if I instinctively knew on a subconscious level that I was so different than everyone else. Perhaps God called me to closeness so I would survive. For whatever reason or combination of reasons, I spent my entire life studying God, yearning for something. It certainly was what everyone else looks for, completeness and purpose that comes from our loving God. But I also was seeking what fewer seek, that is a wholeness that comes from knowing who you are even if you cannot put your finger on it. Wholeness that comes from knowing who you are as a person, that I am gay.
What I learned was very foundational for me. Long before I knew I was gay, I learned about my loving God. I learned to pray and speak with God. I acknowledged what I was told was so, that I am a unique and beautiful creation of God. I know this to be true. I now know it is not independent of me being gay, it is partly because of being gay. That's how God created me. It is part of who I am.
This self respect and self knowledge is what I was taught and learned in all the Catholic school eduction I received, the myriad retreats and the revelation and recognition of God's love in my life.
What is a person to do when you have brought to a point of self love, self acceptance and the knowledge that God loves you immeasurably only to find out the church sort of changed it's mind about you when they find out you are gay? In spite of protestations that they love gays and hate the so called sin, there is a real and palpable homophobia in the Roman Catholic church. The Catechism that teaches to show love and respect to gays also states that we are intrinsically disordered.
So in reference to this reading, I love as I was taught by the church but I try hard to not be the hypocritical actors that the hierarchy are. They lay burdens that are not of God. Born of circular logic and 'tradition', they emulate the very Pharisees that Jesus railed against.
No one ever told me that the loving God I learned and believe in had conditional love for me. In fact I learned of unconditional love. I find it sadly amusing how I have been thrown to the curb by so many, not to hear from anyone. I love you brother until you tell me you are gay. Now you must act the way the church teaches but does act itself. No thanks.
I will live and love, out and proud. I will find a church that mirrors the God that I was taught about and that truly reflects his love, openness, acceptance and service.
Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples, ‘The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses’ seat; therefore, do whatever they teach you and follow it; but do not do as they do, for they do not practise what they teach. They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on the shoulders of others; but they themselves are unwilling to lift a finger to move them. They do all their deeds to be seen by others; for they make their phylacteries broad and their fringes long. They love to have the place of honour at banquets and the best seats in the synagogues, and to be greeted with respect in the market-places, and to have people call them rabbi. But you are not to be called rabbi, for you have one teacher, and you are all students. And call no one your father on earth, for you have one Father—the one in heaven. Nor are you to be called instructors, for you have one instructor, the Messiah. The greatest among you will be your servant. All who exalt themselves will be humbled, and all who humble themselves will be exalted.
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