Embarking and returning at the same time

         In my journey towards closeness with God and the fulness of my humanity, one of the first things that I feel called to do is to reflect. I am not rushing out the door of my Lenten journey driving to an unknown destination at breakneck speed. Let me assess as I begin. Let me take stock of where I am and who I am. I am a sinner. Without comparison or judgment to one extreme or another, I am indeed a sinner.

        As a sinner, I cannot help but take the story of the prodigal son to heart.  As  I read with intent the entire story, I can see just how much God has invested in me. The 'long distance' glimpse, the love, forgiveness, the robe, the ring, the killing of the fatted calf and the celebrations should I simply choose to return.

         Any journey should really be well planned for. For Lent, some honest down time is essential. So is some honest self reflection. Such honest if not brutally honest self reflection should always be accompanied by the comfort that God is there with his/her arm around you. You are not alone. You are loved and cherished.

          Now is the time to return home to God. You are welcomed cherished, loved and celebrated.

           

Ash Wednesday prep.

       This Lenten season our faith community is reading Living The Way of Love  ( Mary Bea Sullivan ).  It is a 40 day devotional based on the Jesus inspired practices set forth by the Presiding ( Episcopal ) Bishop,  Michael Curry.

       In our preparatory meeting before Ash Wednesday our Pastor asked "Where do you want to be on Easter Sunday?"  This raised the memory of another few pastors from years gone by. One charged us with using Lent to become fully human. The goal he set forth was to engage all that God made us to be as a unique and intended being.  Could we cooperate with God's plan in creating us, fully human, fully alive? Still another preacher I will always remember spoke on Easter Sunday with an analogy of Lent having us all in cocoons and on Easter Sunday we emerge as magnificent butterflies, the intentful and joyous creations God made each of us to be.  But where do I want to be on Easter Sunday morning and how will these 7 Biblical practices help me?  Which ones speak to me in joy and which, if any, represent a stumbling block or a challenge if you will. An intriguing aspect of any journey where the destination is not known is a certain amount of fear. Am I willing to listen and respond to what God is asking of me? Will the transformation from cozy cocoon to butterfly paralyze me? Am I so comfortable now that I will not take the leap of faith or exercise the will needed to change and grow?

       What I want to be is a more fully alive and activated person in relation to my Creator. Beyond that, God only knows. I do know that the crux of the situation involves all that I have already learned, setting aside time each day specifically listening and some form of practice or prayer.

        One of the gifts I have been graced with is writing and so that can play a role. Another is my the use of the labyrinth which calls to me in a special way. 

       One thing I am reminded of in this planned journey into the unknown of God's all embracing love. At the time I was coming to terms with the fact that I am gay, I sought many avenues of assistance. Spiritual direction, therapy and of course prayer. Part of my prayer as I said, has been 'walking the labyrinth'.  The labyrinth closest to to me was one built at an Episcopal Franciscan Friary. Quite appropriately the paths were made of wood chips, bark and flotsam and jetsam. As I walked one particularly lonely evening contemplating the diverging paths of my life, both of which seemed impossible, I came across a shred of twine in the path. It was a short piece of string tied into a loop just the right size to be an adornment for a finger. I was magically whisked away to my friend Rita who had told the joke a long time ago about piece of rope that walked into a bar. The bar tender said "we don't serve rope here" whereupon the rope walked out.  Of course that piece of rope was now just a bit angry. He got himself into a terrible knot and his ends were now loose and in disarray. The rope walks back into the bar where the bar tender says, "I told you, we don't serve rope here". The Rope responds "frayed knot!"  Ok, so Rita and I should not give up our day jobs but that little joke that was summoned into by brain as I walked the labyrinth in time of need reminded me of an important thing about life with God, coming out of the closet or walking the journey of Lent. Do not be afraid. ( 'frayed? NOT! )  I may not know the end of journey for this Lent. The caterpillar has no idea that it will be a butterfly. What I do know is that this Lent I will be attentive to the journey and I will strive to respond to God's call without fear and with complete openness to whatever form of butterfly God intends for me.

      Happy Ash Wednesday.

Gay Pride Sunday

       It is my habit to arrive early for Sunday Mass and try to place myself in a proper mindset. One of things that I have found illuminating and a proper focus is the stained glass above the alter. It is a glorious Risen Christ portrait. The building itself is situated such that the moring light through this stained glass is breathtakingly beautiful. It has become a focal point for me every time I sit in the pew. Another part of my ritual is going through all the readings for the upcoming service. In this way I do not have to read along as the words are proclaimed by the lector.  I hope that I can then get a feel for the Spirit proclaiming those words through the person reading them.

         As I sat this part Sunday and read the Gospel in my silence I was struck yet again by the stained glass shining down on me. The stained glass colors are as bright as any pride flag, brighter than anything we ourselves can make. It is that synergy of meds or Vulcan philosophy where the sum of our parts is greater than any simple math could provide. Whomever created the image could take pride in a work that I feel transcends the mere selection of glass, the cutting and placing to create the image I see.

         The Gospel message from Matthew here today made me think also on Gay pride. Perhaps by exception, I feel challenged and hurt by those errant individuals who say that being prideful about being gay is wrong. And yet, I have a different experience, I hold a different and important truth that transcends being gay.

         It is not a human boast to revel in the gift of who we are as created by God. Let us not boast of anything of human design, judgement or designation but in the created beauty imbued in each of us for the glory of Her name.

           Just as the beauty of my stained glass muse is beautiful in its own right but elevated by God in its vision, message and meaning, so to the beauty of being gay is not an action but a celebration of a unique person and the capabilities, challenges and essence of the person. By accepting oneself, gay or otherwise, and the unique gifts and talents so imbued, we take pride in the fact that God made us this way and wishes us to live out Her plan for creation by honoring who we are. It is not a pride in a human accomlishent of our own but  pride in a cooperation  of a plan of divesity and beauty, as beautiful as the most beautiful and radiant stained glass.

       I pray today as always, that we accept the gifts that God has created in us and as a unique individual. We are a peice of cut crystal for the most beautiful of stained glass to help give a total vision of Gods love and light.  Take pride in whom God created you to be.Without you the picture of Gods love is no complete, nor as glorious as She intends.

Matthew 5:13-20

‘You are the salt of the earth; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything, but is thrown out and trampled under foot.
‘You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hidden. No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.
‘Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets; I have come not to abolish but to fulfil. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth pass away, not one letter, not one stroke of a letter, will pass from the law until all is accomplished. Therefore, whoever breaks one of the least of these commandments, and teaches others to do the same, will be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

A discernable truth about the role of women and more

       I think it might be an excellent form of meditation or Lexio Divina if you will, to read this passage from John and note all the problems that Jesus brought up that does not jive with the status quo, even for today. Jesus was quite the rebel. If one passage can be a guide to the mindset of Jesus and what He intended to teach us, this is one of those passages.

        One of those lessons is the role of women. Perhaps it is appropriate then that the Episcopal church recognizes today Holy Woman, Florence Li Tim-Oi. Florence was the first women to be ordained a Priest in the Anglican Communion on this date in 1944, that is over 75 years ago and almost 2000 years after Jesus died for us. How magnificently beautiful, right and just this Ordination was. Jesus' life story, ministry, death and resurrection is replete with woman who played primary roles in the incarnation story and redemption of humanity only to have it quashed by the male dominated church of Rome. Sadly, the same kind of ignorance befell the Anglican Communion for Mother Florence, there were protests over her ordination. Courageously, her Priestly status was renewed and she later ministered as Priest in Canada.  Mother Florence's life looms large like that of my beloved Mother Paulette   ( blog entry from October 9, 2016 ), who perhaps helped invent the term 'still she persisted', long before it was officially coined.

         The fact that God plays no preference in the role of women as equal heirs and ministers of God's word and plan, while lost on most of humanity ( especially men ), is a cornerstone of Jesus' life which we should honor, foster and emulate.

           Making this truth live is a challenge for all believers and for all of humanity. The passage though also points to the fact that the message of Jesus, his salvation for mankind, is often aimed at the marginalized, the poor, the sinners and the outcasts.  In today's passage the woman was, well, a woman. Low enough if you will in that time. To make matters worse, she was a Samaritan and was 'living in sin' if you would believe the conservative riff raff.  This woman of John's Gospel was lower than low, clearly not someone that Jesus should even give a moment of recognition to. Yet Jesus' actions and voice speak to another reality.

          Who are the lowest of the low today? And by that I do not mean to judge. I mean, who is considered the lowest of the low by the power elite? The Conservative right? The male dominated Roman Church?  Who in general does society look down upon? We should know that those people are precisely the ones Jesus would engage and not to demean, ridicule or foist arrogant and hypocritical repentance on. Jesus would welcome the perceived outcast as he did throughout his entire ministry, as welcomed, equal and loved. ALL equal and loved creations of the Father  ( Mother? ). 

       For the sake of further example, let us look at the Roman Centurion in the Gospels of  Matthew and Luke.  Note that the Centurion would not be a welcome personage to any Jew, he was the face of the occupying army. That army was brutal and efficient in the dispensing of their authority. So it would seem odd at best that such a man of power would seek out this itinerant Jewish preacher who would not be recognized as anything, much less the Messiah. Yet the Centurion comes in search of a cure for his "pais".  As the history of a male dominated church shows, the agenda driven translation and words are often twisted. We would most commonly refer to a 'pais' as a servant or slave. This is the translation we are most likely familiar with, it is what we were taught. And yet, the whitewash is that 'pais' actually refers to the subordinate male same sex lover that was quite common and accepted in the Roman army of the time. See how things get twisted? Jesus did not flinch to listen or cure this pais. Of course you can see how broad and expansive Jesus' love and ministry is too, or is supposed to be if the words had been translated and accepted as it was intended.  The fight for Scriptural purity and the all inclusive message that Jesus lived and preached is a constant battle and a call for all of us.

        The lesson for today is that God's love is expansive and all inclusive. No judgment, only love. Today especially we remember a woman who breached the barrier of God's call limited by men. 

       For God's call to all of us, may we open our arms, heart and soul to everyone as beloved sisters and brothers. We pray.
       

          

John 4:16-26

Jesus said to her, ‘Go, call your husband, and come back.’ The woman answered him, ‘I have no husband.’ Jesus said to her, ‘You are right in saying, “I have no husband”; for you have had five husbands, and the one you have now is not your husband. What you have said is true!’ The woman said to him, ‘Sir, I see that you are a prophet. Our ancestors worshipped on this mountain, but you say that the place where people must worship is in Jerusalem.’ Jesus said to her, ‘Woman, believe me, the hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews. But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father seeks such as these to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.’ The woman said to him, ‘I know that Messiah is coming’ (who is called Christ). ‘When he comes, he will proclaim all things to us.’ Jesus said to her, ‘I am he,the one who is speaking to you.

No short cuts on walking the walk.

       How many of us would love to have an epiphany?  A moment in our life when we seem to connect all the dots. Perhaps a moment of conversion or we see such clarity that our lives will move forward with certainty and holiness and righteousness.  I myself will confess to perhaps a twinge of jealousy at people who have had such a moment and everything seems to fall into place. Is that what happened in today's passage from John?

        If you look at society today, everyone is seeking the answer. Some people seem to have found it in President Trump. Is he the anointed one, elevated or chosen by God? I think not. For myself he is the furthest from that. But it does not dismiss the fact that we all are looking for the answer, that epiphany, that answer that makes us whole.  We all seem to be waiting for the Spirit to descend on us and anoint us, make us whole, holy and perhaps even perfect. This hope of ours, this movement in society seems obvious to anyone with eyes and ears. We are seekers as if we have all been abandoned by organized religion. It seems organized religions have lost the message they were invented to convey.

       I recall a time when I was a yearning, faithful soul on my path to Ordination and an active member of my 5000 family faith community. The pastor was accused of some rather heinous things and placed on leave while the allegation were investigated ( and later proved false ). After the investigation and before the exoneration, I was a real lost soul. The man that I had revered, looked up to and sought guidance from was taken away.  He was a holy but not perfect man. My faith though was in doubt. It wasn't until I came to realize that my faith is not in him but in Him. My faith is not placed in an intermediary but with God himself; God who became fully human and whom the Spirit descended upon as in today's passage from John.

            While we are looking for a new improved path to wholeness and holiness or a person that we feel are kindred spirits on the journey, we must realize that there really is no perfect one except God herself, or himself if you prefer. The epiphany we are seeking is not in any one person or path save our own personal journey which cannot be condensed. There are no short cuts. There are no answers that will change us into perfection, at least on this side of the grave.

        We can have enlightening moments, epiphanies if you will. We can get glimpses of what we are intended to be but the real answer for us is a life long journey. We will never be totally fulfilled on this side of the grave no matter how hard we search, no matter how much we read and no matter how much we listen.  We are not perfect beings and our task is a life long journey and one we can accept or try to cheat. It is an offer of wholeness and redemption but never a single moment or a universal answer unless you say something like the answer is in Christ. Even then, you must still walk the walk, still pick up your cross and still live a life of imperfection towards an ultimate holiness that we are destined and intended for.

        While we strive for those epiphanies, those glimpses of holiness within our own life journey, let us not diminish our presence in this moment in in our commitment to our entire journey. There are no short cuts. There is no perfection here, perhaps later, not now. Only God is perfection, the perfection we are drawn toward and seek.

        For the totality of our journey and for our acceptance of the task at hand, I pray.

John 1:29-34

The next day he saw Jesus coming towards him and declared, ‘Here is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! This is he of whom I said, “After me comes a man who ranks ahead of me because he was before me.” I myself did not know him; but I came baptizing with water for this reason, that he might be revealed to Israel.’ And John testified, ‘I saw the Spirit descending from heaven like a dove, and it remained on him. I myself did not know him, but the one who sent me to baptize with water said to me, “He on whom you see the Spirit descend and remain is the one who baptizes with the Holy Spirit.” And I myself have seen and have testified that this is the Son of God.’

No returns to the closet

        Many years ago I attended a Christmas pageant at the church of my step brother. The pastor gave a very memorable sermon about this very passage. The pastor noted that when you meet Jesus, you always return ( as the wise men did ), by a different route. In other words, once you meet Jesus you are forever changed. That sermon, some 40 years ago, still resonates strong within me.

       As a gay man, coming out is really the same. Accepting Jesus is all about accepting the inherent goodness of whom God created in you. It opens possibilities and sets you on a new course. Some might call it repentance, others might simply say that it is an acceptance of God's plan for all us, collectively and individually. When you come out as gay, you are accepting that plan of God that is uniquely you, unwrapping it, accepting it, and moving forward with it.  Your acceptance and 'outing' of yourself is an acceptance of what God became man for and what Jesus accepted the cross and died for. To be fully human and fully alive, fully engaged in the gift we are as unique creations of the Father.

     Just as the wise men did not return by the same route by which they came, so too all of us cannot be the same people we were before we fully accepted who we are. Being gay is not a single defining characteristic. Being gay is a part of the totality of who we are. An aspect of who we are. But once we come out, watch out. There is no returning by the same route. We are once and forever called then to embrace this one of so many gifts that God has graced us with. 

    To come out and to somehow return to the closet is as much as a sin. It repudiates and denies the whole reason God became man and died on a cross for us. What would have happened had the wise men returned by the same route? If you read the passage from Matthew again, you may suspect tat no good would have become of that. Once we know Jesus, once we know and accept who we are, there really is no going back to the 'old you'. You are a new creation ( newly recognized ). The calling to be all God created you to be is to be fully out, fully engaged in life and fully alive.

      For coming out, for being fully alive and for new paths, I pray.

Matthew 2:1-12

In the time of King Herod, after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, wise men from the East came to Jerusalem, asking, ‘Where is the child who has been born king of the Jews? For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay him homage.’ When King Herod heard this, he was frightened, and all Jerusalem with him; and calling together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Messiah was to be born. They told him, ‘In Bethlehem of Judea; for so it has been written by the prophet: 
“And you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
   are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
for from you shall come a ruler
   who is to shepherd my people Israel.” ’
Then Herod secretly called for the wise men and learned from them the exact time when the star had appeared. Then he sent them to Bethlehem, saying, ‘Go and search diligently for the child; and when you have found him, bring me word so that I may also go and pay him homage.’ When they had heard the king, they set out; and there, ahead of them, went the star that they had seen at its rising, until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw that the star had stopped, they were overwhelmed with joy. On entering the house, they saw the child with Mary his mother; and they knelt down and paid him homage. Then, opening their treasure-chests, they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. And having been warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they left for their own country by another road.

Obeying all the rules

       Let's have a round of applause for all the rules obeyers out there. Yes!  Not the ones who cheat on their taxes, lie with every utterance, cut through gas stations to avoid a red light or bribe people to get their kid into a better college. The list is endless. Keep in mind though that a real good rules obeyer in today's Scripture passage would have had stoned Mary to death for her pregnancy. One of the things that I have learned in life though is that your eternal reward is not based solely on things you should or should not have done. You probably won't get extra credit at the pearly gates for confessing that you never cheated on your spouse and lived up to the vows you were supposed to keep anyway. The problem with the rules and our scrupulosity for them, is that we often see the world then in black or white, no shades of gray. Even so, when we do see shades of gray, it is usually noted to say that our transgression from the law is not as bad as someone else's. It is a mine field where hypocrisy and self righteousness abound.

       I am pretty sure that Jesus was not hung up so much on all the rules. His idea of clarifying rules ( The Ten Commandments for example ), was to speak of the the two Great commandments and that put the Ten in a whole new light. Not so easy then when "Thou shall not kill" starts speaking of not killing a person's spirit or reputation. Jesus was known to break Sabbath rules all the time, helped enemy combatants (  a Roman Centurion ), coming to the defense of a woman caught in the act of adultery and rendered himself ritually unclean by consorting with or allowing himself to be touched by lepers and menstruating women which was taboo. The chronic rules person might argue then that everything is gray and that just cannot be. There must be standards on which we are judged ( and by which we can judge others ). Of course that is true to an extent but Jesus clearly was one to push the envelope and was often found to be chastising his favorite group, the Pharisees for having rules that made their followers 'twice as fit for hell as they are themselves.' 

       Where does that leave us? Let me make a confession here for all to see. While I was faithful for almost the entirety of my marriage, I began to stray when I started to seriously doubt my sexuality. It was almost a drive it seemed to answer a question that ached in every fiber of my being, in my soul. It is no wonder that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown; one side of me ( the rules obeyer ) rubbing up horribly with the guy trying to come to terms with his sexuality, long hidden, long repressed and strictly forbidden as a Roman Catholic Religious married man. This is the time I realized how difficult thoughts of suicide are when each decision, each way out, seems to be fraught with negative consequences. Now that I have that out in the open, let me clarify further. In my attempts to 'find myself' I had indeed advertised on Craigslist. The ad would go on to spell out my feelings and always included the note: "healthy spirituality preferred."  As it turns out in retrospect, there are many people who try to be faithful to God and have been taught to think that they can not be gay and loved by God. They may believe that to express their sexuality is a mortal sin. Nothing could be further from the truth. God wishes us to be whole and holy as God created us. Moving on, you'll note that I have essentially confessed to adultery. But to clarify further, lest your imaginations go wild or you rely on stereotypes of the gay community, I was not out in alley's looking for hookups. I was not in bars  ( and never have been ) looking for Mr. right now. I am repulsed at the thought of mindless sex or orgies that disrespect the very sexuality I embrace as graced to me by God. That "healthy spirituality" was my saving grace as well as prayer, counseling and numerous people who God graced my life with.

        So there you have it, the rules obeyer that broke one of the big ones. In my mind I could probably say I didn't fully break the rules, bent it a bit, maybe tarnished but not a clear break. I am in that realm of grayness where love is always the final arbiter. I was trying to seek wholeness in those two great commandments about loving myself while respecting and loving my neighbor.  

       In my heart and soul I know that I am forgiven for trying to desperately come to terms with who I am as I was created while not turning from the God that I know loves me with reckless abandon. In essence, where was my heart in all this? Was it a turning from God?  It's one of those questions you ask especially in the gray zones but maybe also in the black and white. How many of us feel righteous over obeying the law that is amoral from the get go. Is caging humans seeking sanctuary lawful but actually horrifically sinful in the eyes of God?  The lines are sometimes blurred and for a rules obeyer it is dangerous ground.

             If you think I am proposing an answer here, you'd be wrong. It is once more my call for a full Examen of conscience. It is a call to stop judging others and minimizing our own sins compared to the 'other'. This is a recognition and call to look deep inside ourselves and be silent enough to hear the words and loving call of our Creator.

         For the rule breakers, rule minders and for gray areas in our hearts and soul, I pray.

        

Matthew 1:18-25

Now the birth of Jesus the Messiah took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been engaged to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. Her husband Joseph, being a righteous man and unwilling to expose her to public disgrace, planned to dismiss her quietly. But just when he had resolved to do this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.’ All this took place to fulfil what had been spoken by the Lord through the prophet: 
‘Look, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
   and they shall name him Emmanuel’,
which means, ‘God is with us.’ When Joseph awoke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him; he took her as his wife, but had no marital relations with her until she had borne a son; and he named him Jesus.